Elections: Free, fair and fun.

NEW DELHI: In an effort to promote free and fair elections, the Supreme Court has just discarded the secret ballot system in favour of a much more intuitive process: the game of rock-paper-scissors. All future contests for a seat in Parliament shall now enjoy the transparency of the popular diversion.


The court's decision was made public on Sunday, when the Chief Justice spoke to a select group of reporters, the Loony Bean's political correspondent among them. When questioned about the rationale behind the move, he said:

"Elections in this country are rarely free and never fair. It's not the country's fault - it's the system. People can't be trusted to vote. Period. Most people vote at random anyway. Half of 'em don't even know who they're voting for.

"The average voter arrives at the polling booth, and thinks 'Well, I've got the ink on my finger anyway, let's have some fun now. What kind of a name is Jedediah Fariskiller? I'd rather have Prakash Goldsmith in office. At least he doesn't sound like a homicidal maniac. And I like his election symbol - the chainsaw.'

"So you see, all we're really doing is making their decision for them. The net impact cancels out and we get the exact same results anyway. It's much cheaper and it saves a hell of a lot of trouble. If we're looking for equality, then randomness is the way to go - and what simpler way to decide than rock-paper-scissors?"



For readers unfamiliar with the concept, rock-paper-scissors is a game of chance (and arguably, reflexes) played using hand-gestures. The Chief Justice claimed to have heard of the game from his grandson (who learnt it in pre-school) and was immediately enamoured by it. Speaking to the Loony Bean, he claimed that on losing seven games in a row, he had been struck by the unbiased nature of the contest. Authorities from the pre-school refrained from comment, though the judge's grandson was far from reticent on the rules of the game.

"Rocky beat scissors! If you get scissors, Rocky punches. And paper beat rocky! But don't mess with scissors! See? No? You're stoopid."

When quizzed about how the system would actually be implemented, another judge from the panel said, "We haven't worked out all the details yet, but the elections are likely to proceed in a knock-out fashion, so that anyone who loses a match can wait for another five years to compete. The individual matches may be best-of-three, though."


"This will mark the end of vote-bank politics. No more will the people of India be subject to empty promises. You can't be tricked if you can't vote. It's democracy at its finest."

The court ruling has sent shockwaves around the country. Several prominent politicians responded to the ruling by exhibiting their own personal hand-gestures, not all of them part of the original game specification. The public, however, has largely applauded the move as the time saved by not voting will allow them to speculate about more vital issues such as the connubial lives of their favourite Bollywood icons.

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