Elections: Free, fair and fun.

NEW DELHI: In an effort to promote free and fair elections, the Supreme Court has just discarded the secret ballot system in favour of a much more intuitive process: the game of rock-paper-scissors. All future contests for a seat in Parliament shall now enjoy the transparency of the popular diversion.


The court's decision was made public on Sunday, when the Chief Justice spoke to a select group of reporters, the Loony Bean's political correspondent among them. When questioned about the rationale behind the move, he said:

"Elections in this country are rarely free and never fair. It's not the country's fault - it's the system. People can't be trusted to vote. Period. Most people vote at random anyway. Half of 'em don't even know who they're voting for.

"The average voter arrives at the polling booth, and thinks 'Well, I've got the ink on my finger anyway, let's have some fun now. What kind of a name is Jedediah Fariskiller? I'd rather have Prakash Goldsmith in office. At least he doesn't sound like a homicidal maniac. And I like his election symbol - the chainsaw.'

"So you see, all we're really doing is making their decision for them. The net impact cancels out and we get the exact same results anyway. It's much cheaper and it saves a hell of a lot of trouble. If we're looking for equality, then randomness is the way to go - and what simpler way to decide than rock-paper-scissors?"



For readers unfamiliar with the concept, rock-paper-scissors is a game of chance (and arguably, reflexes) played using hand-gestures. The Chief Justice claimed to have heard of the game from his grandson (who learnt it in pre-school) and was immediately enamoured by it. Speaking to the Loony Bean, he claimed that on losing seven games in a row, he had been struck by the unbiased nature of the contest. Authorities from the pre-school refrained from comment, though the judge's grandson was far from reticent on the rules of the game.

"Rocky beat scissors! If you get scissors, Rocky punches. And paper beat rocky! But don't mess with scissors! See? No? You're stoopid."

When quizzed about how the system would actually be implemented, another judge from the panel said, "We haven't worked out all the details yet, but the elections are likely to proceed in a knock-out fashion, so that anyone who loses a match can wait for another five years to compete. The individual matches may be best-of-three, though."


"This will mark the end of vote-bank politics. No more will the people of India be subject to empty promises. You can't be tricked if you can't vote. It's democracy at its finest."

The court ruling has sent shockwaves around the country. Several prominent politicians responded to the ruling by exhibiting their own personal hand-gestures, not all of them part of the original game specification. The public, however, has largely applauded the move as the time saved by not voting will allow them to speculate about more vital issues such as the connubial lives of their favourite Bollywood icons.

(Disclaimer: You know the drill. No offence, no responsibility... yada, yada, yada)

15 spilt beans:

Simon July 26, 2009 at 6:07 PM  

This is a travesty. How can you call it fair?

The knockout method means that candidates who lose in the early stages aren’t permitted to play against all the other candidates: in your diagram it can clearly be seen that Candidate 2 never has the chance to compete against 3, 4, 5 or 6. It makes a complete mockery of politics. You should be ashamed of yourself.

ronnygeo July 26, 2009 at 6:30 PM  

Lol... Man, u are getting better.. =))..

Cabin-boy Dave July 26, 2009 at 8:50 PM  

@ Simon: As much as I believe the phrase 'mockery of politics' to be redundant, I shall attempt to clear your doubts about the proposed system:

The knockout round is only meant to find the best of the candidates, the one who actually gets the seat. Candidate 6 beat Candidate 3 who whipped Candidate 4's ass quite comprehensively, so he couldn't possibly have been defeated by Candidate 4 anyway.

Well, there is some talk of holding league matches to determine who enters the knockout-phase though...

@ ronnygeo: Thanks, fella! Keep visiting the Bean!

IcE MaiDeN July 26, 2009 at 8:53 PM  

LMAOOOO!!!!!! hahahahahahahaha!!!! n THIS is why i love reading ur stuff!!! Damn u Aneev, i gt tummy cramps frm laughin so hard!!! :P :D

*two thumbs up*
-Annie.
P.S: DiD u draw the state diagram (or smthng similiar) urself? :P :D

Sandy July 26, 2009 at 11:31 PM  

The decision of the Supreme Court is absolutely outrageous! This system is susceptible to match-fixing, death-threats and worst of all alien-hand syndrome(A medical condition where the brain loses control of the hand.)

Also, I believe the system displays utter disregard to the physically handicapped. What if a person who has no hands wishes to rule to country? The possession of a fully functional hand should not be a prerequisite to becoming the head of state.

Moreover, the rock-paper-scissors system fails to take into account the existence of the all powerful wild-card gesture (wherein the candidate extends his hand, closes his fist on said hand and extends the middle finger in the direction of the opponent with much gusto and optional facial movements.) The repeated use of the wild-card gesture by multiple candidates might cloud the outcome of a round thereby drastically changing the destiny of the country.

As admirable as this attempt at improving the electoral process is, it is fraught with complications and unforeseen possibilities which can totally derail the administrative machinery.

I hope the Supreme Court reconsiders its decision.
Anxiously,
-The Village Idiot.

Cabin-boy Dave July 26, 2009 at 11:52 PM  

@ Annie: You watch that tummy! :P I'm glad I've managed to brighten your day again :)

And yes, I made the state diagram by myself, though the actual rock, paper and scissors were from Google Image Search :P

@ Sandy:

The Chief Justice begs to differ. Let's take your complaints one at a time:

a) Match-fixing: It's not known until the day of the actual election who's going to face who. Any attempt at match-fixing would go drastically wrong, unless they considered every single combination - in which case they probably deserve to win anyway.

b) Death threats: These have been a part of Indian politics for a long time and are probably here to stay. Besides, politicians are more likely to find a way around death threats than a normal voter.

c) Alien-hand syndrome: All contestants shall be tested for this condition by a procedure known as 'poking the candidate in the eye' and checking for a reflex.

d) Handicapped folk: We have developed an alternative version of rock-paper-scissors known as 'glare-giggle-gape' for this very eventuality.

e) Wildcard: On three successive repetitions of the wildcard gesture, the game shall be abandoned and the Rockworth-Papyrus method shall be used to determine the winner of that round.

Finally, I would like to assure you that our country will continue to remain in as safe a pair of hands as it used to be before we introduced this system.

Thank you for your concern.

Sandy July 27, 2009 at 12:05 AM  

Lol! There is no out-witting you. Good reply.
Keep posting dude! You absolutely crack me up!

Aw.S.M July 27, 2009 at 1:39 PM  

hehehe..aneeevvvvvvvvvv..how do u keeep coming up with all this wackiness??!! r u one of the looney toons??!!

hilarious bro :D...rock paper scissors..wow...and pics to boot too..:P...i bow to ur creativity my friend...

cheers
amith

Jinxed Pixie July 27, 2009 at 2:24 PM  

hahaha...
naice new concept. wonder why no one thought of it before...

*you just have o let me on this : how do you get these ideas from?*

Blue Moon July 28, 2009 at 7:34 AM  

Hi! Aneev,
You’ve very nicely highlighted the New Concept in Voting & Politics. The post is well-written & is gripping too.
Well Done………
Do visit My blog…………
Good luck for next posts………….

I’ll be eagerly waiting for your comments on my posts.

Have a gr88888888888 day ahead………..

Keep Smiling……!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,
Manjari

Keshi July 29, 2009 at 10:15 AM  

**Elections in this country are rarely free and never fair.

Sounds v much like SL!

Keshi.

Blue Moon July 30, 2009 at 7:31 AM  

Hey! Aneev,
YOUR COMMENTS ARE AWAITED ON MY BLOG…………..
Do visit My blog…………
Good luck for next posts………….

Keep Smiling……!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love,
Manjari

the girl with the pink teacup July 30, 2009 at 10:04 AM  

I can't help but wonder if the world might be a better place if all elections were decided using rock, scissors, paper! It's probably a damn sight better than the current voting systems in place in some countries (USA, I'm looking at you...)

Lola Lakely August 6, 2009 at 2:25 AM  

I am rather brilliant at that game. Do I have a hope of winning a seat?

What about people who can read minds? Are they out of the running?

Cabin-boy Dave August 6, 2009 at 11:28 PM  

@ Sandy: Lol, thanks. I guess I'm finally back to the blogosphere now.

@ Amith: Thanks, dude! Your comments help a LOT in keeping the wackiness going :D

@ Pixie: The world's too restricted, my friend. I think you've finally convinced me to let you in on my secrets. Look out for a related post soon *Wink*

@ Manjari: Sorry I've been so unpunctual with comments lately. Next stop, New Blossoms!

@ the girl: Well, I've been sending frantic letters of recommendation to governments worldwide. They never seem to reply :(

@ Lola:

I'm convinced that you do. All you'll need now is a scrap of paper indicating that you're an Indian citizen, and power and influence are yours!

Most politicians learn to outfox mind-readers at an early age by learning not to think. It works admirably well.

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A thoroughly confused blogger with imagined Multiple Personality Disorder and delusions of usefulness. Yeah, he has issues.