Smiley Suicidal


To:

Whoever's in charge
Yahoo! Inc.
Sunnyvale, California

6th July, 2009



Dear Whoever,

I would like to bring to your notice a certain issue (of no minor importance) concerning your Messenger instant messaging application, that has plagued me for several days now.

The smiley on the Yahoo! logo is simply too happy. In fact, as I will demonstrate shortly, it is happy to the point of being suicidal. I first noticed this abnormality a week ago while signing into my account. Something about the Messenger window struck me as odd. On further investigation, I realised that the smiley in question had its mouth too far wide open. It is impossible for a human face to assume the overjoyed expression displayed by this yellow monster.



However, I had to be sure my instincts were right before I reached a conclusion. I conducted a study therefore, regarding how wide a human being may open his/her mouth without lasting damage to his/her jawbones. The results were shocking. My study uses the ratio of the height of the upper portion of the head (from the mouth upwards) to that of the fully open mouth as a measure to compare any two faces.

As the image above shows clearly, the fully open mouth of the Yahoo! smiley is actually wider than its upper head. Out of my human test subjects, not one managed to replicate this feat.



As you can see, the subjects I chose differed in gender, background, ethnicity and even historical era.



Intrigued by the potential consequences of my find, I spoke to Dr. Fonee Skimask of Make Faces, Not War (a non-profit organisation founded with the laudable objective of finding facial expressions that were previously unknown to man). Dr. Skimask confirmed my suspicions. The expression on the Yahoo! smiley's face, if worn by a human, would crack his/her skull, leading to a nearly spontaneous death.

Considering the popularity of Yahoo! Messenger and the average IQ of its users, it is not inconceivable that a user may attempt to copy the murderous smiley's expression, fracturing his/her skull in the process. I would strongly recommend that a warning message be displayed on the Yahoo! sign-in window, as illustrated.



I am confident that Yahoo! Inc. shall rectify the situation as soon as possible, perhaps restricting the smiley's obvious joy to reasonable limits. However, until you do, I shall not be available on Yahoo! - I find that I cannot look at your logo without a sense of foreboding any more...

Sincerely,
A concerned citizen of the Loony Bean

(All right, I admit it - I didn't actually send this letter. But I just might - if I get any more bored :| )

38 spilt beans:

Anamika. July 6, 2009 at 11:50 AM  

OMG! =)) =)) =))
* ROFL[s] *

Seriously, I haven't laughed and banged my head this hard. You seriously did a great job with the photoshops and the research studies! Engineers prove their point =))

I totally loved this post. I'd highly recommend people to read this =))

Keep them coming, Aneev. LOL!

Cabin-boy Dave July 6, 2009 at 12:29 PM  

Thanks, Anamika! :D

Wow, that post did sound like something a typical engineer might write, didn't it? :P

*Geek points go up 50%*

Jinxed Pixie July 6, 2009 at 8:42 PM  

hahahaha...

OMG. Undoubtedly one of the best post's I've ever read.

And do please send that letter.
It'll be for the good of humanity anyway.
:)

Cabin-boy Dave July 6, 2009 at 9:02 PM  

@ Jinxed Pixie: Thanks for that! You exaggerate of course, but don't worry about that - keep the flattery coming! :D

Oh, I am going to send the letter - I'm just looking for the right moment. The strike must be quick and unexpected.

Welcome to the Loony Bean!

Kelvin Oliver July 6, 2009 at 10:08 PM  

Well... I don't think I have read a post or anything that talks about Yahoo Messenger smiley going to the extremes. I have a problem with logging in sometimes and have to keep changing passwords in order to sign in. Bah humbug.

Cabin-boy Dave July 6, 2009 at 10:22 PM  

Well, I guess the chances of someone actually cracking their skull this way ARE rather slim, but it could happen :P

Ah, I've never had that prob with Yahoo! yet, though I do have trouble logging in sometimes.

Keep reading, Kelvin :)

Esther July 6, 2009 at 10:52 PM  

ha ha ha awesome!! I hope I wasn't laughing like that smiley while reading the post!!

:D :D :D

Good one!! :)

Cabin-boy Dave July 6, 2009 at 11:49 PM  

Glad you like it, Esther, and have no fear for your jawbones :D

Welcome to the Loony Bean.

WinGMaker July 7, 2009 at 2:03 AM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rajgopal_aka_WinGMaker July 7, 2009 at 2:11 AM  

[The fame of this post reached yahoo..They kidnapped me and are now using my account to reply to you for reasons still unknown to them]

/*BOFY == Bastard operator from yahoo..*/

The reply from BOFY :

Dear loony user,
We do not appreciate the time you have wasted on this research along with phony Dr.Fonee.

As per the said facts in your proposed mails,we find the findings as "Yet another hallucinatory Obloquious Obloquy".

The image of the messenger with the warning message were to be given to the board of members for verdict.But before it could reach them,the Pimply Faced Youth Assistant of mine, found out that you were using the stone-age version of the Yahoo! Messenger.

Hence you are at fault and so you have to pay.

Henceforth if you don't agree to a compromise involving no further investigation in the above-said grievance and paying in cash for retorting to Yahoo's defamation , I shall be forced to blackmail you by putting your name on "Yahoo's most wanted for cyber-crime" list and alert the FBI for punitive actions.

We wish you would reconcile your actions.

Your friend was not hurt in this operation excepting serious trauma and shock.

Yours
Sysop @ Yahoo! Inc.

Aw.S.M July 7, 2009 at 3:23 AM  

wow..u sure can blog....thanx for dropping by...but seriously..how do u manage time to do all of this? :D...hehe..sweet stuff bro...really REALLY cool post :D

Top NOTCH..and oye do send that letter...

cheers
amith

Cabin-boy Dave July 7, 2009 at 11:32 AM  

@ Wingmaker:

[I urge you not to worry, my friend. I have allied myself with MI:6 and a rival software firm and will be staging a rescue operation as soon as possible]

Reply to BOFY:

First of all, Dr. Fonee is highly respected in his profession - he holds a PhD in Medicinal Frowning.

My findings have been verified by the 'Guiding Organisation Of Genuine Legal Evidence' and as such, are unquestionable.

I am indeed using an earlier version of Yahoo! but I would like to remind you that unless you correct the situation, the untold millions of users of the same version shall be subject to the danger I have mentioned.

I appreciate your warning about the cyber-crime list, and while I would be honoured to be featured among such prominent names, I must refuse the offer and suggest a place where you can stick the same.

Cheers
The folk at the Loony Bean

PS. Keep reading, man! :)

Cabin-boy Dave July 7, 2009 at 11:37 AM  

@ Amith: Thanks for that! Heh, well, I've got my holidays at the moment - so time shouldn't be too much of an issue :P

I found your blog pretty Aw.S.M too :)

Welcome to the Loony Bean!

WinGMaker July 7, 2009 at 1:17 PM  

@ Dave:

I Knew you would come for my rescue. MI6 operative rescued me from a remote village near Azerbaijan with the help of USAF.

They have seized the servers of the Chinese BOFY nicknamed "Bad-Boy" and have taken further steps into investigation.

The US army had issued a warrant against the BOFY which stated the following:
"You goto jail Bad boy!"

Yahoo! has declined to accept Bad-boy as their Sysop but the legal proceedings of the 'County of Sunnyvale' vs 'Badboy' shall soon begin."

Thanks a million for your timely help.And i appreciate your presence of mind.

PS :Pay the bills of the MI6 and USAF as well as the court proceedings.They say they are under economic crisis of some sort!!

Anamika. July 7, 2009 at 4:20 PM  

I think I'll forward these comments instead of the letter :|

Tickled pink July 7, 2009 at 9:52 PM  

Wa ha ha ha
Aneev; I can't stop my laughter
Believe me I'm on the verge of cracking my skull.....

Tee hee hee.....

Very unique speculation and amazing measurements. Really This is called

something Hat Ke.
Hee hee hee..Don't forget to send this letter.

Cabin-boy Dave July 7, 2009 at 10:44 PM  

@ Wingmaker:

Glad you're safe, man! Hope they treated you okay in Azerbaijan, I know it can be rough there.

I hope Bad Boy has a good time in jail with other bad boys :P

Umm... what do I care about the bill? It's all taxpayer money!

Cabin-boy Dave July 7, 2009 at 10:50 PM  

@ Anamika: Lol, I'm happy you enjoy reading the comments too - anything to entertain :P

@ Abhilasha: Thanks! I've got to have something to do with my time. I like to think I'm serving the community :P

Mind the laughter though - it'd be ironic if you cracked your skull reading a warning about cracking your skull :P

Tickled pink July 7, 2009 at 11:34 PM  

Ok Aneev
I'll mind it. But you know its really a tough job to control me once I start laughing so can't guarantee whether I'll be alive till tomorrow or not.
Beware, coz you'll be blamed. ha.. ha..
compliment in disguise.

Lola Lakely July 8, 2009 at 12:37 AM  

Wow, I found you by a witty comment you made on another blog adn I'm glad I had the wherewithall to check you out. There are no words to describe my glee.

Cabin-boy Dave July 8, 2009 at 12:53 AM  

@ Abhilasha: Heh, I'd better draft a legal disclaimer, saying I'm not responsible for any cracked skulls - I should probably put that on the post :)

Cabin-boy Dave July 8, 2009 at 12:56 AM  

@ Lola: I knew it! I am an under-appreciated manblogger then :P

Welcome to the Loony Bean!

Blue Moon July 8, 2009 at 9:19 AM  

Hi! Aneev,
Bole toh the post is Bindaas, Jhakaas(In the words of Munnabhai).
My Opinion:
The choice of the subject, giving it a funny title & the entire write up is FABULOUS. You really are gr8888888888 at writing such stuffs………..Commendable job…….
Aneev,There’s a request, please leave your comments on my other posts too especially the one titled:
“FROM GLORY TO GRAVE”
Good luck for next posts…………..

Keep Smiling…..!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,
Manjari

Cabin-boy Dave July 8, 2009 at 11:36 AM  

@ Manjari: Thanks for the bindaas comment!

I look forward to reading your other posts too :)

Archana July 8, 2009 at 4:50 PM  

Hahah okay, so totally glad I bumped into your blog via 20sb. :) This post was a riot - - I never really thought to look at a smiley face that way. And the study you conducted is probably by far the funniest blog post I've read today.

Cabin-boy Dave July 8, 2009 at 6:04 PM  

@ Archana:

I'm equally glad you bumped into this blog :)

I'm also happy you've never looked at a smiley-face that way - it's a rock-solid certificate of your sanity :P

Keep reading the Loony Bean!

Sandy (chek my blog!) July 9, 2009 at 9:16 PM  

Lol!
Now why didn't I think of that?

Awesome post man! Can't wait for more!

Cabin-boy Dave July 10, 2009 at 10:52 AM  

@ Sandy:

Thanks, dude! It must be your high concentration of brain matter. See, my cerebral cavity's just that - a cavity. I can fill it with all sortsa stuff without anything useful getting in the way.

You might try reading hours and hours of Sluggy Freelance though - I've found that clears the ol' cavity pretty nicely :P

IcE MaiDeN July 11, 2009 at 1:16 AM  

lmaoooo!!! whttta post!!!
*howling laughter!!!* :P :D

btw, first time here, someone i knw said urs was one awesome blog so came by to see wht d fuss was abt abt :P :D...

so engineer in d making huh? :P I sincerely hope ur comps :P i can imagine some 'ROFL' programs frm a mind lik urs :P :D

Will be back later to read up more of ur stuff,

Cheers,
\m/
Annie.

IcE MaiDeN July 11, 2009 at 1:20 AM  

oh n forgot to add. dnt u think d Ghajini act actually wud hav given a better example ratio?? :P :D

Cabin-boy Dave July 11, 2009 at 5:59 PM  

@ IcE MaiDeN:

Great to have you here, Annie!

Yep, I'm all set to be an engineer - like I have a choice after three years of the darn course :( And yes, I'm a computer science student. It really seems like there's no getting away from them, doesn't it?

Lol, I was wondering if someone would comment on that. Ghajini did yield a better ratio, but screw that, I'm all for shock-and-awe :D

Rakesh Vanamali July 13, 2009 at 11:21 AM  

Amen!

I blog, so I am!

Well written!

Sarah July 15, 2009 at 2:23 PM  

I never thought that a smiley icon can lead to such an important discovery. I hope you will send in the email to Yahoo and I am very much interested to know how Yahoo would respond.

Cabin-boy Dave July 16, 2009 at 8:39 AM  

@ Rakesh:

And well-said, Rakesh. Welcome to the Loony Bean!

@ Sarah:

It is the most insignificant of things that makes content for nonsensical blogs such as these. Keep reading the Loony Bean!

Apparently intellectual July 20, 2009 at 2:29 AM  

Hahaha!! very well thought over, researched n written! Nice blo you have here:)

Chiranjib August 15, 2009 at 4:45 PM  

OMG! What an idea, sirji! I am a first time visitor to your blog and am not regretting! This is special! Keep writing! :D

Sree September 3, 2009 at 6:41 PM  

You truly are a nut case, arent you....nice to see this side of you...cheers!!!

Anonymous August 8, 2012 at 1:53 AM  

lmao....this is funny...love the research..I was actually looking for a suicide smiley blowing his brains out but this is much funnier:D

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About this nutcase

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A thoroughly confused blogger with imagined Multiple Personality Disorder and delusions of usefulness. Yeah, he has issues.