NEW DELHI: In an effort to promote free and fair elections, the Supreme Court has just discarded the secret ballot system in favour of a much more intuitive process: the game of rock-paper-scissors. All future contests for a seat in Parliament shall now enjoy the transparency of the popular diversion.
The court's decision was made public on Sunday, when the Chief Justice spoke to a select group of reporters, the Loony Bean's political correspondent among them. When questioned about the rationale behind the move, he said:
"Elections in this country are rarely free and never fair. It's not the country's fault - it's the system. People can't be trusted to vote. Period. Most people vote at random anyway. Half of 'em don't even know who they're voting for.
"The average voter arrives at the polling booth, and thinks 'Well, I've got the ink on my finger anyway, let's have some fun now. What kind of a name is Jedediah Fariskiller? I'd rather have Prakash Goldsmith in office. At least he doesn't sound like a homicidal maniac. And I like his election symbol - the chainsaw.'
"So you see, all we're really doing is making their decision for them. The net impact cancels out and we get the exact same results anyway. It's much cheaper and it saves a hell of a lot of trouble. If we're looking for equality, then randomness is the way to go - and what simpler way to decide than rock-paper-scissors?"
For readers unfamiliar with the concept, rock-paper-scissors is a game of chance (and arguably, reflexes) played using hand-gestures. The Chief Justice claimed to have heard of the game from his grandson (who learnt it in pre-school) and was immediately enamoured by it. Speaking to the Loony Bean, he claimed that on losing seven games in a row, he had been struck by the unbiased nature of the contest. Authorities from the pre-school refrained from comment, though the judge's grandson was far from reticent on the rules of the game.
"Rocky beat scissors! If you get scissors, Rocky punches. And paper beat rocky! But don't mess with scissors! See? No? You're stoopid."
When quizzed about how the system would actually be implemented, another judge from the panel said, "We haven't worked out all the details yet, but the elections are likely to proceed in a knock-out fashion, so that anyone who loses a match can wait for another five years to compete. The individual matches may be best-of-three, though."
"This will mark the end of vote-bank politics. No more will the people of India be subject to empty promises. You can't be tricked if you can't vote. It's democracy at its finest."
The court ruling has sent shockwaves around the country. Several prominent politicians responded to the ruling by exhibiting their own personal hand-gestures, not all of them part of the original game specification. The public, however, has largely applauded the move as the time saved by not voting will allow them to speculate about more vital issues such as the connubial lives of their favourite Bollywood icons.
(Disclaimer: You know the drill. No offence, no responsibility... yada, yada, yada)
Elections: Free, fair and fun.
Evolution of a post
(Disclaimer: The Loony Bean shall in no way be held responsible for any damage to internal or external organs, regurgitation, bleeding or apoplexy caused by the perusal of this post. Incompetence in poetry is not a punishable offence and as such, may not be used to bring criminal charges against the poet. Please contact my lawyer for further details.)
"He blogs, therefore he is"
- A philosopher's remark
Posted in ignorant bliss
Provokes a ponderous spark.
Yesterday's anxiety
Born of matters mundane,
Is in a moment of clarity,
Rendered strikingly inane.
"Think", I implore the neurons
"How might one save the day?
Deliver a swift response.
Annihilate delay!"
Years they seem, the minutes.
Another hopeless cause?
Naught crosses the limits...
A lightbulb ends the pause
"Morality one must banish.
It guards the path to success.
Knowledge pure must vanish -
A twisted plan, I profess
"But crucial is the gain.
Under these lines of rhyme,
Disguise a vacant brain.
Surely a scheme sublime?"
Words that bear no essence
Ever the blogger's aid,
Rhyme in joyful pretence,
Effecting a masquerade
My, it's almost done...
A task hardly uphill,
I post with sorrows none.
Now the beans must spill!
Smiley Suicidal
To:
Whoever's in charge
Yahoo! Inc.
Sunnyvale, California
6th July, 2009
Dear Whoever,
I would like to bring to your notice a certain issue (of no minor importance) concerning your Messenger instant messaging application, that has plagued me for several days now.
The smiley on the Yahoo! logo is simply too happy. In fact, as I will demonstrate shortly, it is happy to the point of being suicidal. I first noticed this abnormality a week ago while signing into my account. Something about the Messenger window struck me as odd. On further investigation, I realised that the smiley in question had its mouth too far wide open. It is impossible for a human face to assume the overjoyed expression displayed by this yellow monster.
However, I had to be sure my instincts were right before I reached a conclusion. I conducted a study therefore, regarding how wide a human being may open his/her mouth without lasting damage to his/her jawbones. The results were shocking. My study uses the ratio of the height of the upper portion of the head (from the mouth upwards) to that of the fully open mouth as a measure to compare any two faces.
As the image above shows clearly, the fully open mouth of the Yahoo! smiley is actually wider than its upper head. Out of my human test subjects, not one managed to replicate this feat.
As you can see, the subjects I chose differed in gender, background, ethnicity and even historical era. 
Intrigued by the potential consequences of my find, I spoke to Dr. Fonee Skimask of Make Faces, Not War (a non-profit organisation founded with the laudable objective of finding facial expressions that were previously unknown to man). Dr. Skimask confirmed my suspicions. The expression on the Yahoo! smiley's face, if worn by a human, would crack his/her skull, leading to a nearly spontaneous death.
Considering the popularity of Yahoo! Messenger and the average IQ of its users, it is not inconceivable that a user may attempt to copy the murderous smiley's expression, fracturing his/her skull in the process. I would strongly recommend that a warning message be displayed on the Yahoo! sign-in window, as illustrated.
I am confident that Yahoo! Inc. shall rectify the situation as soon as possible, perhaps restricting the smiley's obvious joy to reasonable limits. However, until you do, I shall not be available on Yahoo! - I find that I cannot look at your logo without a sense of foreboding any more...
Sincerely,
A concerned citizen of the Loony Bean
(All right, I admit it - I didn't actually send this letter. But I just might - if I get any more bored :| )
