Halos for sale!

THE PEARLY GATES: Heavenly Enterprises (Stock symbol: GAWD), the only known business concern headed by a superhuman entity, has unveiled a new line of celestial fashion accessories aimed at recruiting new believers. The highlight of the release is the halo, a floating disc of radiant light designed to be worn over the head, previously available only to shareholders, posthumously.



Tentatively priced at $99.95, this marvel of divine engineering is surprisingly inexpensive. The halo uses a novel suspension technique to hold it in place over a customer's head. A microchip embedded in the device constantly recalculates the co-ordinates of the wearer's skull and uses a motor to adjust the exact position of the halo accordingly.

Heavenly Enterprises has, however, refused to reveal the source of the light within the halo, labelling it a trade secret. It did admit that the device requires neither external power nor batteries and would remain luminous for 'all eternity'. The halo also comes with an intelligent illumination adjustor that automatically adapts to the surroundings, turning the brightness down to minimum if it senses people trying to sleep.

St. Peter, the Managing Director of H.E. stated that the company hoped to attract new followers with its latest release. He spoke to the Loony Bean:

"People don't swallow that turn-the-other-cheek nonsense any more. What they really want is something they can touch, feel and show off. They need something that makes them feel important. Sure, teaching folk about love and flavourless salt worked - like a thousand years ago. People have access to the internet now, and they're up to their eyebrows in philosophy.

"We used to be the intellectuals a millennium ago. These days, [if you] try to tell people about Creation, they'll throw string theory and quantum mechanics at you. No, our unofficial company policy is now 'give 'em goodies to shut 'em up' "



The halo is available in five glorious colours: Original Orange, Celestial Cyan, Graceful Green, Valorous Violet and of course, Popular Pink. Heavenly Enterprises is also planning to offer downloadable designer themes once the market really explodes. Other products in the accessory line expected to be popular include attachable angel wings and gold-plated harps. H.E. has not revealed whether the wings will actually grant the wearer the power of flight or whether they're merely decorational.



Heavenly Enterprises has come under fire from the All Saints' Union for offering what the latter called 'symbols of morality and divinity' for sale. The union staged an almost ridiculously non-violent protest outside the Pearly Gates earlier today.

"We had to sacrifice our lives and everything we held dear for the privilege of wearing one of these", said a spokesperson for the group, pointing at his own beaming halo. "Anyone can get one for a measly hundred dollars now. Have you ever gone hungry for a week so that the pigeons outside your home might have food? I didn't think so. That's the kind of selfless deed that Simon 'The Rock' Peter wouldn't understand."



With over one billion customers, Heavenly Enterprises is the world's largest distributor of wisdom and philiosophy. Founded over two thousand years ago, it had origins as humble as most of the world's leading corporations today - unable to afford an office, its ambitious entrepreneurs first set up headquarters in a carpenter's workshop. Though H.E. enjoyed a noteworthy customer base in its first thirty years, the breakthrough that elevated it to the big league came after a hostile takeover by a rival company based in Jerusalem. Its meteoric rise in popularity since then has often been compared to that of Google (which had an equally unimpressive beginning) in more recent years.

H.E. also seems to have run into legal trouble with the name of their product. Microsoft Corporation, makers of the immensely popular first-person shooter, Halo, has threatened to sue if H.E. launches its device under the same name. Several alternate labels have been suggested, 'Orbi-Glow' the most popular so far. Heavenly Enterprises cannot afford a lawsuit of this scale due to a complete non-availability of lawyers to defend their case.



Update:

A bean-lover has just ordered his very own Orbi-GlowTM. Observe how it has transformed the Village Idiot into a sanctified version of his misguided self, giving him a saintly and benign appearance.

Incidentally, you should also check out his other posts - they're insanely insightful, intensely intellectual and entirely entertaining :)




(Après-post: It's 2:19 am, and I'm absolutely exhausted. I'm afraid I'll only have time to blog once a week from now on. I can only hope you guys understand.

I'd like to thank Anamika from iThoughts for throwing me a 21st birthday bash despite having no more than a vague notion about when my birthday actually is :P

Oh, and Happy Independence Day, Indians! )

21 spilt beans:

Jinxed Pixie August 15, 2009 at 8:32 AM  

hey!
that's saint Don Bosco!
and i do support his cause..

p.s: where can i get my halo?

chethan August 15, 2009 at 11:22 AM  

Rocking man....

Anamika. August 15, 2009 at 1:32 PM  

You know.. SCORE! =)

And Heavenly Enterprise?! :P BTW, why does the girl err babe need a HALO anyway? Isn't she a treat err angel for you guys? :D
I'm thinking more on the terms of a drunk saint, you know. You walk into a bar with a golden-wine coloured halo and everyone would offer you drinks. You can drink your night away and still there won't be a soul to comment on your habits. Of course, they'll ask for the halo instead.

What about the cupid themes? The red heart pointed arrows with the bows and everything? C'mon! You gotta have those on the list.

Brilliant concept though. :)

Cabin-boy Dave August 15, 2009 at 1:33 PM  

@ Pixie::

I support Don Bosco's cause too. I even read a book on him once... there's a saint that deserved his glow.

You can book your halo right now by calling 1-800-SAINTLY and placing an order :)

@ chethan:

Thanks! Welcome to the Loony Bean!

Sandy August 15, 2009 at 6:25 PM  

Awesome! I am sure the halos are going to be a big success. I just wanted to know if they have any compatibility issues with narcissistic soulless demon-spawned people. Oh, it's not for me... just this friend of mine...

Simon August 15, 2009 at 10:12 PM  

Dear Sir,

Before ordering one of your ‘halos’ I’d like to be assured that it will remain glowing even after the wearer commits acts of evil, or at least minor sins, such as sloth, envy, coveting my neighbour’s ass etc.

Yours respectfully,

Simon

IcE MaiDeN August 15, 2009 at 11:09 PM  

hahahahahah!!!!! n he does it again! *DAMN U!!! TUMMY ACHE I MEAN! :P :P*

I already have my own customised halo.. :P n so far I hav convinced pratically everyone that Im the angel they all wantd to meet.. :P But I wud really like to order one of those wings... ooohh!!! they look adorable! :) :P whr can I get them? :P

Cheers,
Annie (wid a halo) :)

Sandy August 16, 2009 at 12:51 AM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sandy August 16, 2009 at 12:56 AM  

I got my very own Orbi-Glow™! And it works perfectly! Woohoo!
You can check it out here.

Cabin-boy Dave August 16, 2009 at 4:57 AM  

@ Anamika:

The girl's in the ad to present the universal nature of Orbi-Glow(TM)'s applicability. You can use it regardless of your gender, political or religious orientation.

I'm not sure bars set much store by halos, but sure, if you say so :P

A representative of H.E. has just informed me that Cupid arrows are indeed on the list.

Cabin-boy Dave August 16, 2009 at 5:15 AM  

@ Sandy: No concrete compatibility issues have been reported yet, though certain unreliable sources have informed the Loony Bean that wearing the halo appears to exorcise any demons present in the wearer's earthly body.


@ Simon:

I'm afraid H.E. has not released the details you require yet. The original product specification mentioned a morality sensor that turns the brightness of the halo down a notch for every sin committed.

However, I'm sure the sins you've mentioned will not cause a significant fall in the device's performance. Please feel free to observe your neighbour's rear-end with as much unconcealed lust as you like.


@ Annie:

The wings have not been tested on humans yet and are not quite ready to leave the laboratory. If you'd like to register as a test subject, you'll have to visit their office at the Pearly Gates to sign a form declaring that you won't hold H.E. responsible for any damages.

I bet I could get you the harp at a bargain price though :P


@ Sandy (again):

Popular Pink suits you, mate. Send that picture to H.E. and I'm sure they'll ask you to be their brand ambassador :D

Archana August 16, 2009 at 2:46 PM  

Lol, I read this post earlier but just got the time to sit down and comment now. :) Entertaining, as always. Where do you come up with this stuff? You should get on the show, The Apprentice & try and sell your ideas to Donald Trump, heh.

FYI, do you make special orders? Cause I'm thinking I want my halo a cross between Original Orange & Popular Pink. As for the way it sits on my head, I always used to think that if I were an angel, my halo would be titled (for reasons unlisted, lol)...but I suppose I could give this glowing halo a shot. :P

Girl Interrupted August 16, 2009 at 5:34 PM  

Ok, don't tell anyone ... but I cheat! *hangs head in shame* I get my halo for free by holidaying regularly in Chernobyl.

Mind you, you don't get to pick colours, and that pink is simply divine! Maybe I'll buy one after all ... just as a "going out" halo.

Ps: This was awesome :) looking forward to reading more

JennyMac August 16, 2009 at 5:44 PM  

Who doesnt want a shiny halo? Count me in.

Cabin-boy Dave August 16, 2009 at 7:52 PM  

@ Archana:

I've thought of that possibility, but no one takes me seriously enough. As for where I get my ideas from, look out for a post coming soon :P

Erm, I'm afraid mixing Original Orange and Popular Pink yields a truly horrifying shade of colour called Breathtaking Brown. I'm afraid it is unlikely that Heavenly Enterprises will be willing to risk their market share over it :(


@ Girl Interrupted:

While the delights of holidaying in Chernobyl are indeed tempting, I'm sure Orbi-Glow(TM) will be worth the money. H.E. has promised that Orbi-Glow shall not affect the number of limbs that any future offspring of the wearer may possess.

For a 'going-out' halo, I'd recommend Valorous Violet. It looks splendid against the backdrop of a clear sky.

Welcome to the Loony Bean!


@ JennyMac:

I'm delighted you have none of the suspicions some of the others have voiced. Shall I order a lovely green one for you?

Soda and Candy August 16, 2009 at 8:08 PM  

Hello! I'll take one in pink, of course.

(I love the design of your blog by the way!!!)

Valerie August 16, 2009 at 10:32 PM  

I would get the orange one and then wreak havoc :)

Feel like God... August 17, 2009 at 8:00 AM  

Awesome man!!

Cabin-boy Dave August 17, 2009 at 5:52 PM  

@ Soda and Candy:

'Popular Pink' seems aptly named. It's had quite a few takers so far.

I'm afraid I didn't actually make the design myself, so I guess you're complimenting me on my taste in templates :P

Welcome to the Loony Bean!


@ Valerie:

Ah-hah! Our first customer for Original Orange. That's my choice too, actually. Orange is my favourite colour!

*Pretends not to hear the shouts of Gay!*


@ Feel like God: Thanks, dude! Keep visiting!

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Archana August 18, 2009 at 7:32 AM  

Haha ick, that is kinda a nasty color. Well I suppose I was looking for a fuchsia. So looks like I'll buy the popular pink, lol. Looking forward to your next post. :)

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A thoroughly confused blogger with imagined Multiple Personality Disorder and delusions of usefulness. Yeah, he has issues.