THE PEARLY GATES: Heavenly Enterprises (Stock symbol: GAWD), the only known business concern headed by a superhuman entity, has unveiled a new line of celestial fashion accessories aimed at recruiting new believers. The highlight of the release is the halo, a floating disc of radiant light designed to be worn over the head, previously available only to shareholders, posthumously.
Tentatively priced at $99.95, this marvel of divine engineering is surprisingly inexpensive. The halo uses a novel suspension technique to hold it in place over a customer's head. A microchip embedded in the device constantly recalculates the co-ordinates of the wearer's skull and uses a motor to adjust the exact position of the halo accordingly.
Heavenly Enterprises has, however, refused to reveal the source of the light within the halo, labelling it a trade secret. It did admit that the device requires neither external power nor batteries and would remain luminous for 'all eternity'. The halo also comes with an intelligent illumination adjustor that automatically adapts to the surroundings, turning the brightness down to minimum if it senses people trying to sleep.
St. Peter, the Managing Director of H.E. stated that the company hoped to attract new followers with its latest release. He spoke to the Loony Bean:
"People don't swallow that turn-the-other-cheek nonsense any more. What they really want is something they can touch, feel and show off. They need something that makes them feel important. Sure, teaching folk about love and flavourless salt worked - like a thousand years ago. People have access to the internet now, and they're up to their eyebrows in philosophy.
"We used to be the intellectuals a millennium ago. These days, [if you] try to tell people about Creation, they'll throw string theory and quantum mechanics at you. No, our unofficial company policy is now 'give 'em goodies to shut 'em up' "
The halo is available in five glorious colours: Original Orange, Celestial Cyan, Graceful Green, Valorous Violet and of course, Popular Pink. Heavenly Enterprises is also planning to offer downloadable designer themes once the market really explodes. Other products in the accessory line expected to be popular include attachable angel wings and gold-plated harps. H.E. has not revealed whether the wings will actually grant the wearer the power of flight or whether they're merely decorational. 
Heavenly Enterprises has come under fire from the All Saints' Union for offering what the latter called 'symbols of morality and divinity' for sale. The union staged an almost ridiculously non-violent protest outside the Pearly Gates earlier today.
"We had to sacrifice our lives and everything we held dear for the privilege of wearing one of these", said a spokesperson for the group, pointing at his own beaming halo. "Anyone can get one for a measly hundred dollars now. Have you ever gone hungry for a week so that the pigeons outside your home might have food? I didn't think so. That's the kind of selfless deed that Simon 'The Rock' Peter wouldn't understand."
With over one billion customers, Heavenly Enterprises is the world's largest distributor of wisdom and philiosophy. Founded over two thousand years ago, it had origins as humble as most of the world's leading corporations today - unable to afford an office, its ambitious entrepreneurs first set up headquarters in a carpenter's workshop. Though H.E. enjoyed a noteworthy customer base in its first thirty years, the breakthrough that elevated it to the big league came after a hostile takeover by a rival company based in Jerusalem. Its meteoric rise in popularity since then has often been compared to that of Google (which had an equally unimpressive beginning) in more recent years.
H.E. also seems to have run into legal trouble with the name of their product. Microsoft Corporation, makers of the immensely popular first-person shooter, Halo, has threatened to sue if H.E. launches its device under the same name. Several alternate labels have been suggested, 'Orbi-Glow' the most popular so far. Heavenly Enterprises cannot afford a lawsuit of this scale due to a complete non-availability of lawyers to defend their case.
Update:
A bean-lover has just ordered his very own Orbi-GlowTM. Observe how it has transformed the Village Idiot into a sanctified version of his misguided self, giving him a saintly and benign appearance.
Incidentally, you should also check out his other posts - they're insanely insightful, intensely intellectual and entirely entertaining :)
(Après-post: It's 2:19 am, and I'm absolutely exhausted. I'm afraid I'll only have time to blog once a week from now on. I can only hope you guys understand.
I'd like to thank Anamika from iThoughts for throwing me a 21st birthday bash despite having no more than a vague notion about when my birthday actually is :P
Oh, and Happy Independence Day, Indians! )
Halos for sale!
Labels: halo , heavenly enterprises , humour , satire
Death of an idea
Cracked orbs of purest white
A makeshift mountain, their tomb
Stare up, lamenting their plight
In a soundless wail of gloom.
Lost in a forgotten cave,
A plotline burns in neglect.
Yet the embers from its grave
Inspire the poet's respect.
"The authorities agree -
The fittest merit survival.
Thus Darwinian decree
Forbids your revival."
Regret is brushed aside,
Misgivings turned to vapour.
With passion as my guide,
I put my pen to paper.
A cynic's narrative
Imposes reinvention,
Rendering imperative
A break from convention.
Shall villainy be rewarded?
To a credulous simpleton,
A painful fate awarded,
That may not be undone?
A momentary flicker
Of fresh fabrication
Evaporates quicker
Than a poet's dedication.
Another sphere of defeat,
A ball of potential curled,
Is tossed to its hilly retreat
Remains of a godless world.
(Après-post: I know I haven't been very regular with posts or comments lately. I'm sorry, but deadlines have tightened their sinister grip on my throat to a level that makes it impossible to deny their existence like I usually do. But I have seen the error of my ways. Reform is imminent.)
Labels: cracked orbs , idea , poetry
