The Great Ride of China

BEIJING: The Chinese government has constructed the world's longest yet cheapest roller-coaster ride using the Great Wall as the underlying structure. Stretched out over more than 6,500 kilometres (or 4,000 miles), the Great Ride of China is expected to become a major tourist attraction in the near future.

The President of the People's Republic of China officially inaugurated the Ride on Monday in Beijing. In the press conference that followed, he cited the general lack of interest worldwide in China's cultural heritage as the primary reason for the move.


"People simply don't appreciate how much of a big deal the Great Wall really is. They don't get why it's one of the seven wonders of the world. Oh, they can gawk at the Taj Mahal all right and ramble on for hours about how it's a monument to love and so forth, but when they hear of the Great Wall, they're like, 'It's a wall. I have a wall around my house. So it's a really long wall. Pass the ketchup.'

"Well, that's going to change now. We expect tourism to soar once the world discovers the value for money that we offer. We have appointed trained guides on every coaster car to explain China's rich and diverse history in exquisite detail to tourists as they enjoy the ride of their lives. Who says education can't be fun?"

The Great Ride also promises to be an efficient and fast public transportation system. The Wall connects the eastern part of the country with the west, passing near the city of Beijing. The chief engineer in charge of the project said:

"The true genius of this venture lies in its cost-effectiveness. We incurred none of the pointless expenses that laying rails across the country would have involved. We didn't have to acquire land or turn millions of peasants homeless. The infrastructure was just lying there and it's been there for a thousand years. And like all things economical, it will proudly bear the tag 'Made in China'."


The inaugural ride was taken by a group of Buddhist monks who maintained that they had just been liberated from their vows of silence and been given a well-deserved break from the monastery. Unconfirmed reports state that following the ride, the same monks claimed to have attained nirvana and professed their newfound belief that the Buddha was a silver-tongued hypocrite of bovine descent.

The government has also announced plans to construct a themed amusement park to go with the Ride. The venture promises to provide lucrative opportunities to thousands of unemployed Chinese clowns and anyone willing to dress up as a Pokémon character in general.

But the Chinese Ministry of Tourism has even more plans in store for the refurbished Wall. Taking advantage of the fact that the Great Wall of China is the only artificial structure visible from the moon, the ministry wants to attract potential tourists from outer space. A representative of the ministry spoke to the Loony Bean:

"Have you seen the Earth from space? There's an austere, lifeless look about the place. It doesn't look like somewhere I'd want to land and have a beer with the locals if I were an extra-terrestrial on an inter-galactic quest. We need to reveal our fun side to the little green critters. And we have just the thing. Think neon signs, only on a planetary scale."


While the initial views on the Ride have been largely optimistic, only time will tell whether the project shall succeed in attaining its rather lofty goals. For though the Wall has survived more than a millennium of punishment from beyond Chinese borders, it remains to be tested against mortification from within.

(Après-post: I'm sorry if I've hurt Chinese or Buddhist sentiments in this post. You guys need to learn to laugh at yourselves. And yes, I know Pokémon isn't Chinese.

Credits: The inspiration for this post was an insightful discussion I had with my friend Shalini about how you could walk from one mountain to another along the Great Wall. She's planning to go to China later this year. Wish her all the best, folks :)

In case you're wondering about the pretty new badge, I earned it by revealing one of my darkest secrets in the PostSecrets project on this excellent blog. Not for the faint of heart. )

20 spilt beans:

Sandy (chek my blog!) July 21, 2009 at 3:42 AM  

Firstly, kudos on the new badge! Bunnies huh? I never knew. :P

The idea of using the Great Wall as a roller coaster ride is certainly original. The screaming monks are positively hilarious!

Keep posting mate!
Cheers!

IcE MaiDeN July 21, 2009 at 7:44 AM  

hehehehe!!! good stuff... :P though "Think neon signs, only on a planetary scale." this one takes the cake!!! LMAOOO... :P

I checked out teacup's blog. :) definitely not fr d faint hearted. :) I knw a lot of ppl who relate to ur secret. :) ur not alone :P

I LOVE postsecret. :) I was hooked onto it ever since i found out. and i was just thinking of starting my own (rather too many secrets to let out :P)

Cheers,
Annie.

Blue Moon July 21, 2009 at 8:25 AM  

Hello Aneev,

Once again a WONDERFUL POST. Its informative & yet interesting to read. The entire post is well written & exhibiting that U R TRULY A CREATIVE WRITER…………..

Keep up the GOOD WORK……..
Do visit my blog, as your comments r really precious.
Good luck for next posts………….

I’ll be eagerly waiting for your comments on my posts.

Have a gr88888888888 day ahead………..

Keep Smiling……!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,
Manjari

Keshi July 21, 2009 at 3:05 PM  

haha look at those screaming monks!

That rollercoaster idea is so neat! I did think abt it tho..I mean whenever I saw the GWC on pics, I used to imagine as a RC hehehe..

U hv some cool thoughts going in ur head. Novel!

Keshi.

Simon July 21, 2009 at 3:50 PM  

Excellent Photoshop work there, especially the one with the monks and the Disneyfied watchtower.

There again, with US cultural influence gradually spreading across Europe and Asia, this may not seem like a joke in a few years…

Cabin-boy Dave July 21, 2009 at 6:22 PM  

@ Sandy: Heh, those guys must have some earthly fun. You know, I hope they do build the Great Ride.

@ Annie:

I think the SETI project might learn a thing or two from China, eh?

And I'm glad people are finally starting to understand why they shouldn't let their kids play with bunnies :P

@ Manjari: I'm glad you enjoyed this one. And I just read your last post and you're no amateur at creative writing yourself :)

@ Keshi:

Great minds think alike :P But the first time I saw a picture of the Great Wall, I was actually stunned. I feel slightly guilty about trivialising it in this post. Well, only slightly :P

@ Simon:

Heh, that one took some effort. You'll notice I've specifically pointed out the watch-tower in the background so people wouldn't miss it :)

Yeah, it's a little sad how the world's copying the West when they have so much of their own to be proud of. Well, I do it too :|

Esther July 21, 2009 at 7:14 PM  

Aneev, There was a glitch the first time I tried to post a comment, it was long and I don't remember what I'd written, sad! But you know this is such a nice post again =D I couldn't stop laughing at those monks, I bet they had a great ride!! Hahaha!!

Super!! =D

Aw.S.M July 22, 2009 at 2:00 AM  

Hehe..nice stuff aneev...the great wall of chine..now a rollercoaster ride..who wouldve thought of it..the loony bin def is churning out creative idea after creative idea :).

Oh and u didnt even spare the monks..lolz..."buddha was a silver-tongued hypocrite of bovine descent" - niceeee..i m sure ur buddhist readers r gonna LOVE u for that :P

keep writing (till the Buddhists get to u :P)

cheers
amith.

Jinxed Pixie July 22, 2009 at 2:23 PM  

are you sure this is the chinese we're talking about here?

when did they get so smart?

or did they just hire you?

JennyMac July 22, 2009 at 4:32 PM  

Monks screaming in glee...something I have surely never seen prior to this am.

Excellent post and well written. Now one more peek at the monks.

Tickled pink July 22, 2009 at 11:35 PM  

Hi Aneev
You know while perusing the interesting 1st half of the post I was thinking how can there be only information on Aneev's post. But when I came to the Buddhist monk and that ministry tete a tet with looney bean para I said now here I get that Aneev flavour.

Information coupled with your unique sense of humour.I think you should also file a patent for your style.
As usual I loved this one too.
All the best to Shalini.
take care

Cabin-boy Dave July 23, 2009 at 12:33 AM  

@ Esther: Thanks! I'm sure more monks will take the journey now that it's popular. Expect a whole new branch of Buddhism soon :P

@ Amith:

You know, I think I've discovered an inverse relation between the fruitiness of my posts and the how interested I am in my classes.

I've already received a few anonymous death threats. They promise to kill me in a painless and non-violent manner :D

@ Pixie: Yep, I checked twice. The Great Wall is definitely in China. They did request me to work for them but roller-coasters make me dizzy :|

Cabin-boy Dave July 23, 2009 at 12:50 AM  

@ JennyMac:

I think they deserve the break. Have you ever considered the mind-numbing boredom these people must have to put up with on a daily basis?

@ Abhilasha:

Lol, what information? I'm a failure as a blogger if you've managed to extract the tiniest bit of useful information from this post :P

I'll file for the patent as soon as I can - thanks for the suggestion :D

Shalini says hi, and wants to thank you :)

Lola Lakely July 23, 2009 at 2:21 AM  

If I had known this, I would have asked my parents to postpone the adoption of my little sister so that it would coincide with the roller coaster opening. Awww shucks.

Maybe the sign will help me meet an extra-terrestrial on an inter-galactic quest. I've kind of gone through a lot of earthlings lately and need to varry my diet.

You continue to amuse me!

Tickled pink July 23, 2009 at 9:43 AM  

Hey aneev
I dont wanna fail you coz you are an awsome blogger.ok no useful information.just fun.
Thankyou so much for leaving such a nice comment on my blog. I'll miss your posts till the time I'm back.
n yes, hi to shalini.
keep writing

Rhapsody B. July 23, 2009 at 8:58 PM  

Namaste....
Very interesting news. I hope safety was a main factor in the construction of.....

the girl with the pink teacup July 26, 2009 at 9:57 AM  

In other news, I really suck at getting to posts in time these days!

But back to the lead story: What an excellent move by the Chinese government. Not only will it be an excellent money-spinner, it will definitely help to raise the profile of that great nation in the eyes of the world. I for one know that the poor peasants and slaves buried within the Great Wall would thouroughly appreciate their resting place being turned into an amusement park ride ;)

And I love being described as 'not for the faint hearted', not only by your good self, but by the poor unfortunate soul who ventured unsuspectingly over to my blog. My work here is done *dusts hands*

the girl with the pink teacup July 26, 2009 at 9:58 AM  

This just in: I can't spell!

Thouroughly? Perish the thought! It should be 'thoroughly.'

Cabin-boy Dave July 26, 2009 at 8:03 PM  

Sorry I've been a bit late with answering comments, folks. I blame engineering.

@ Lola: Let me know if you meet any pretty extra-terrestrials. I'm all outta luck with these earth-bound types :(

@ Abhilasha: I'll miss your chirpy blog too :(
And I'll tell her.

@ Rhapsody: Well, something had to be sacrificed for the lower cost. I'm staying off the Great Wall until they introduce seat belts.

@ the girl: Heh, that's okay - see my note above.

Peasants buried within the wall? I'm not surprised the government was mum about that little piece of information... :P

It's always a pleasure to lure people into your sinister lair.

Archana July 27, 2009 at 5:10 PM  

Haha, this is definitely a loony idea. :P Though that would be one heck of an amazing ride - better yet, if I got to sit next to a monk and ride it, haha.

I've been to the Great Wall and it's definitely a sight worth seeing & climbing. But I think it would be better riding it. ;) You should propose this idea to them, it'd boost their never ending craving for tourism, money, tourism, money..oh and more money. :P

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A thoroughly confused blogger with imagined Multiple Personality Disorder and delusions of usefulness. Yeah, he has issues.